Subway

Full moon on the bus tonight. I went an extra stop just to watch it from the window. Transfixed by the glow of something so far. That scene happened before. Going over the kipling bridge, staring at a full moon just starting to rise. Coming home before I started taking the queen car. The car was better; more character and safer than the kipling bus. But the moon was full that night and I loved it. I don't love it tonight.
The subway doesn't show its moon. Instead it shows its ghosts. All the stations hold ghosts of scenes that exist now only in my own mind. Conversations, meetings, departs, fights, all have their place in stations across the line. I wish those ghosts were quiet tonight. Not tonight. Tonight they are yelling at me from the grave, telling me to remember those events that shape a year. Went to work still asleep at Glencairn, went to Eg to spend hours cooped up in a shitty bachelor apartment, practically lived at Kip, was a fool at Wilson. Quiet ghosts, go back to your electric recesses tonight please. Why won't you leave me alone tonight.
Those events shaped a year. Maybe shaped an entire lifetime. How much they really effected anyone who was involved. Sometimes I think most of them were more important to me than to the other people. How much each of those stations changed who I am I will never fully know. Would I be here typing if I wasn't a fool at Wilson? Probably. Would I be here typing if I didn't live at Kip? Probably not. Tonight wouldn't be the same at all.
Every ghost in every station tells me something tonight. They all come out and make me remember the smallest interactions. Thoughts and memories past. Inconsequential to anyone other than me. Am I a completely different person? Am I the same girl? I don't even know. I dwell on the amount of change that has happened in the past year and a half. Am I right to want to relieve those days? Am I right to think back on how I got here? I don't know. I'm full of doubt and uncertainty. Maybe my independent time is over. Maybe its coming back now. I like to think it is.
Go back and erase a year. Exorcise all the ghosts that lurk in the electric depths of the stations. Return to the way it was before. Return to life, escape from dream. View what is real again. Abolish the folly. I don't want to tonight. I never want to.


So is written on the subway between York and my station (Keele). It's been a wild night bloggers, wild indeed. I don't know where that came from, but tonight I'm more nostalgic that usual. Tonight I wonder all these things and more. I wonder about who I really am and if I've finally found out who Dawnie is. I change with my nicknames. A new one has emerged. Perhaps this means I'm becoming a different girl again. All this reforming and reshaping is getting tiresome but I find myself unable to stop it. Hopefully I keep elements of the Humber Dawn. I really liked her sometimes.

It's hard to say who anyone is really. It's all perception and expression that makes us who we are. We are who we perceive people think we are. It is a crazy backwards way of thinking but very true. I am who I think you think I am. That is how we are able to take on traits of our friends so easily. That is how we can see someone on a subway and make a decision on who they are. It's all fabricated. It's all a sham. Eat that Dr. Phil.

//rant
//philosophical sociology
//this post
I'm home for the night